Do you miss the fun, care-free days of Creat(ing) Your Own Adventure(s)? Well, with this easy to follow (and mostly voluntary) lesson, you too can once again enjoy the twists, turns, and quick shifting storylines from the days when you would read a C.Y.O.A. from cover to cover, in exactly 6 easy steps!
1) First off, you need to get your hands on exactly three paperback books. This exercise works best if they are on different themes, and a mix of fiction and antifiction. A few good sources of paperbacks:
(Please note, any books used will most likely be unusable afterwards, unless you have a lot of patience, so put down that rare 16th century Phylis Diller ‘kiss and tell’, and slowly back away. Good. Moving on.)
2) Next, using your cutting device (scissors, penknife, strimmer), remove the front covers of the books, and commence removing the first 174 pages.
Q: What if my book only has 173 pages? Should I just use those?
A: No. Create more pages (see “LLA! pulp”).
3) Next, using some kind of drilling device, or small cylindrical mole, create a hole in the top left hand side of each page. This might take some time, so you may use the following as an anti-boredom device:
“Oh you crazy squirrel, you shouldn’t be wearing that! But that isn’t stopping you!”
Once this is completed, you will have to do the same with again at the bottom of each page. You may use a second humorous squirrel picture of your choosing.
4) You will now have three stacks of paper with holes, so now what you have to do is create the random sequence of pages. This is achieved using the following formula: ((Bx3)+2H)+TUITA= M+SUS
This can be illustrated as such:
(Bx3)+2H Three books with two holes each
+TUITA Thrown up in the air
=M+SUS Mess and Scientific Unordered Sequence
5) Now, you have to collate the pages in a book-sized stack in their new, unordered order. Once this is done, that pages can be strung together using string and the holes that you created earlier.
6) Using the book covers that you cut off earlier (you kept those, right?), synergize the names of the old novels to create one that better represents the content of the new one.
Q) Do I have to use all of the words/letters in the new title?
A) I’m the professional here, ok?
Q) Professional doodiehead…
A) What was that?
A) It had better have been…
Anyway… In my example I have combined “Human Traces”, “The Island Walkers” and “Cobwebs and Cream Teas” to create:
“The Human Cobweb Traces Island And Wreaks Clam Teasers”
Q) That’s it?
Yes… What’s wrong with it?
A) Nothing, it’s just that you haven’t really changed the words much…
Your point being?
Q) You didn’t want to, say, try a little harder?
I’d like to see you do better!
A) Oooh, no need to get shirty…
Getting back on point, you can also combine the cover art to make a collage that will better show what you can expect the book to be about, and also make it far more professional looking. Once the whole has been put together with a front cover, you’ll be left with a finished article that is professional enough to fool even the most astute book looker-at-er that it is a professionally published novel:
Q) Is that it?
Yes… What’ya think?
A) It looks kinda crappy…
Ok, that’s it I’ve had enough of you two!
Q) What are you doing?
Q) Ahh! What have you done?!
Am I going to have any more problems?
Q) No, none…
Q) I meant… err… “No, none?”?
That’s better. So now it’s time to appreciate your handy work! You’ll notice that your book isn’t like any boring old ‘regular’ books; yours has characters that come and go, stirring up trouble where you thought it was un-stiruppable, then leaving again! Settings change in the blink of an eye, and plot twists you’ll never see coming completely change all of your numerous character’s lives! For example, here is the page change from “The Human Cobweb…”:
“At 2.30 p.m., the furniture restorer arrived, half an hour later than he had advised, to pick up some chairs which needed treatment. Chris had been hanging around in the cold, not wanting “Alf, as I’ve said-“
“When I’m the foreman, then I’m on your side. But I can’t do it this way.”
“So you’re putting the gears to me.”
“This has nothing to do with you. It’s them.”
Prince fixed him with a disbelieving smile. Oh, come on, it said, you and I both know what’s going on here. I can’t believe you’d be such a fool.
Out side, the pool lights had been turned off. Above, along the rails of the balconies, a heaven of small white lights had come on, twinkling around the courtyard.”
See, I bet you didn’t think that a furniture restorer being late would spark of a heated discussion, a lit pool appearing and suddenly turning off, a disbelieving smile, and a man called “Richard” to change his name to “Prince” half way through a conversation! That’s the beauty that happens when you C.Y.O.C.Y.O.A.!
Q) Hey, did you realise that by writing this, you’ve C.Y.O.C.Y.O.C.Y.O.A?
Yes I did, and did YOU know, that by reading this you’ve wasted, about, fifteen-to-twenty minutes!
Q) Wow! No I hadn’t! Thanks?
About today's substitute teacher:
PLDM also goes by the name Liam, HEY YOU, and Grand Master of the Universe/Giant Soda Bottles. He resides in a country that isn't Brooklyn which goes by the name THAT COUNTRY THAT'S SO MUCH COOLER THAN MY COUNTRY. He recently started a photocomic AND rumor has it that there's a podcast along the way! You can check out his comics at Toaster Zone and can find out more obout this four lettered fella at Peace. Love. Deathmetal. DOT COM.
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