Cats have many moods, and each one has a matching method to irritate it. Do not do too many of these in one day, particularly if the cat still has claws. There is a fine, yet very important, line between "irritating" the cat and "abusing" the cat. Think of yourself as the cat's little sibling, and treat it as such. Remember that, like an older sibling, the cat can and will beat you up.
1. Sleeping curled up on the couch
This is the perfect time to play "How many ___s can I stack on the cat before it wakes up?" which is a game wherein you see how many items of a specific type you can stack on the cat before it wakes up, moves, and knocks the stack over. Use whatever you have that is light, flat, and unbreakable, such as:
-pennies or other coins
When the cat goes back to sleep, see if you can break your previous record.
2. Really focused on something out the window, crouching, tail twitching
Quietly walk up to the cat, and then suddenly put your hands on its back and say, well, it doesn't really matter what you say, as the cat will jump. There's something really gratifying about sneaking up on an animal with excellent hearing.
3. Sitting on your lap, just after it has gotten to sleep
Say, "Ring ring ring," pick up the cat, hold it to your ear, and say, "Hello?" into its stomach. (I have not personally tried this one but it's certain to be hilarious.)
4. Sleeping on the back of the couch on which you are sitting
Poke the cat and say "Hey, Cat". After you've done this enough times, the cat will wake up just enough to say "Mrow*" and then go back to sleep.
(*Mrow, in this case, means "Quit it".)
5. Sleeping all stretched out on the floor
This is, of course, time to throw cereal at the cat.
This one I call "Kitty Nose Violin".
Get a clean drinking straw. Show it to the cat, just above its head. When the cat lifts its head to sniff the straw, slide the straw across the cat's nose, singing the note "nee." When you get to the end of the straw, switch directions and sing "nerr." Repeat until something musical is played.
Some methods of irritating the cat can be done at any time. They include:
-bad Jerry Lewis impressions
-telling really long jokes and then forgetting the punchline
-drinking milk from the carton
-putting metal in the microwave
-calling it "Steve"
-unless its name is Steve, then calling it "Jim"
About today's substitute teacher:
Karen Pelto is AWESOME and a fan from Minnesota. You can visit her HERE.
Pssst...this is "How Colleen AF Venable Annoys a Cat"--
Now my method is not for the faint of heart, nor for the overly busy individual, or those who fear rejection. It generally take two to four years for completion and many have lost the ability to use their right hand due to this method. In my belief the final result is TOTALLY worth the loss of a hand.
Step 1: Find a CatStep 5 often takes a while, but it's important not to abort the mission. Simply follow the cat around with your palm in it's face. If you feel the urge you may occasionally yell "Woooo!" though it is not necessary to the completion of this annoying technique. Rumor has it that there's a man in Detroit that's been attempting to get a high five from his tabby for 17 years.
Step 2: Follow that Cat around for an day or two
Step 3: Wait until that cat does something exciting like clean itself
Step 4: Scream excitedly and jump up and down "Wooooooo! Good job!" Hold out palm of a high-five for cat to recipricate.
Step 5: Don't you know that the time had arrrriiiiiived. HUHHHHH! (sorry slight out of body experience with a New Kid)...Step 5, wait for your high-five
Luckily my old roomie's spaz kitty liked to give high fives, sometimes with claws. "Up high! Down low! Too Slow! HA! Aaaah! My eyes! Stop Scratching my eyes! AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
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