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September 29, 2005:1. 8:05 a.m.--Woke up five minutes after the time I should have left my apartment
2. 9:17 a.m.--Attempted to pay for blueberry yogurt muffin with a pantyliner (For the record the bagel stand at 37th and 6th does NOT accept feminine products as currency. I'm not sure about the other bagel stands in the city. Also for the record, I know it probaby should have, but this didn't embarrass me in the least.)
3. 9:20 a.m.--Boarded the elevator in my building
4. 10:03 a.m.--Emerged from the elevator in my building When I was younger the only way I could ever fall asleep was if I created elaborate fantasies. Generally they were always roughly the same: wind up in place with (insert name of boy currently obsessed with), get trapped in disaster with (insert name of boy currently obsessed with), fall in love with (insert name of boy currently obsessed with), makeout with and/or repopulate the entire world with (insert name of boy currently obsessed with).
I can remember doing this as far back as 2nd grade with a boy named Mark Palmer (or "question mark" as I always wrote on my notebooks because I thought that was the wittiest thing in the world at age 8...by the way I don't think this counts as breaking my rules since it was almost two decades ago!) I can't pinpoint the moment I stopped needing to create these stories to fall asleep, perhaps it was the same time I decided I didn't WANT to sleep anymore and now I only sleep if I happen to fall face down due to the weight of my eyelids. Sleep? Pah! I've things to do.
The most common scenario was being locked inside of the mall, followed closely the deserted island variety, then the "crap we've been kidnapped together" one (which always seemed to involve a "crap we've ALSO been handcuffed together and though we could probably just pick the lock we are going to be handcuffed FOREVER" theme), and then there was the elevator fantasy.
I've always wanted to be trapped in an elevator, to makeout to Aerosmith (not to be confused with making out WITH Aerosmith--ew.) playing loudly over the speakers...Yesterday I FINALLY got my chance and was quite disappointed. It didn't freefall. We didn't have to climb out of top. Nothing exploded. There were no axes employed. And most importantly, and I didn't have anyone to repopulate with!
Granted we were only in the elevator for 45 minutes, and repopulation inside of an elevator was always a weird inconceivable (ha!) part of the fantasy, and while my company while quite nice, she (yes she *sigh) didn't live up to my expectations.
She (who had a name I can't seem to remember now) was a very nice girl, maybe 19 years old, who was on her way to a job interview and super stressed about being late. She kept her screaming to a minimum when the elevator decided to shake violently at one point and laughed at my "jokes to tell while stuck in a trapped elevator." She didn't seem to like my analytical approach to "what to do if we should free fall" (you know, like is it better to stand, sit, or lie down if you freefall and is it REALLY possible to jump right before you land to avoid breaking anything) but the small talk she preferred didn't completely make me want to vomit as small talk oft does.
Things I was thankful were not in the elevator: 1. no little kiddies crying
2. No creepy old men eyeing me up and down
3. No creepy old men crying THEN eyeing me up and down
4. No music playing "Up and Down" by the Venga boys, which would have made me cry like a little kiddie
Proper "Trapped in an Elevator for One Hour" Etiquette:
1 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to press the HELP button.
5 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to introduce yourself and explain what floor you were trying to get to and why.
10 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to talk a little bit about your life outside of the elevator and the office building.
15 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to analyze what might be wrong with the elevator and give suggestions for how you can fix it yourselves while inside the elevator.
20 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to actually act on the suggestions using your bare hands.
25 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to casually scan your fellow trappees for hidden Macguiver tools (my fellow trappee was wearing the thinnest spike heels and I kept wondering if I could use them to realign the wheel at the top of the door)
30 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to casually scan your fellow trappee for food.
35 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to pee your pants. (Hell you held it for a WHILE)
40 minute mark: It is now appropriate to attempt to distill your pee for drinking purposes.
45 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to start to view your fellow trappee as the enemy and start to plot how to protect yourself from them.
50 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to start throwing anything that is not nailed down at your fellow trappee, bags, shoes, button panels, railings...YOU GOTTA PROTECT YOURSELF, RIGHT? THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO STEAL YOUR PEE!
55 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to feel a bit guilty for what you just did.
60 minute mark:
It is now appropriate to start to enjoy the Kenny G that has been playing the whole time. Damn that man can play!
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