This past month my faith in the world as I know it was shattered. I was convinced I was educated, truly an intellectual, carefully following the belief system I was raised with. But then it happened and now I don't know what to believe...
I got my legs waxed.
Now I know what you are thinking. "Man, that musta hurt!" But here's where the glass house comes crumbling down...It didn't hurt at all...it was almost rather...
But this can't be true! Every single movie, television show, and stand-up comedian has been telling me for YEARS that it should have hurt. It should have felt like giving birth to millions of tiny babies, a few at a time. But it didn't. Now I'm left questioning every other thing I learned from my professor, my educator, my television. What if all I know isn't true? I thought I would make a list of the top 15 things television and movies have taught me, and see if they, too, are shatterable...
TOP 13 THINGS MOVIES and TELEVISION TAUGHT ME:
1. Monsters/Murderers only kill people in sexy underwearCOLLEEN AF VENABLE(just making sure)
2. Everyone in my high school will not only know the dance number but will be able to perfect the high-toe-kick-close-locker-with-foot-on-way-back-down move
3. My dog can talk. I just haven't been paying attention.
4. Rolling around in a bed of paper money is sexy and NEVER results in papercuts in weird places.
5. If you start to write on paper a voice will appear to read your words (only works when you are alone and if James Earl Jones isn't busy)
6. All first kisses will be amazing, not awkward, slobbery, teeth-clanking, or tongue-choking
7. If you own a piano it's only a matter of time before someone falls and breaks through it.
8. My last place team of 10-year-olds WILL get better as long as we work on our snappy comebacks:
"You guys suck!"
"Well YOU guys are like the 31st President of the United States! And I mean that in the completely non-sexual, vacuum cleaner way. BOOO-YAH!"
9. If you kick someone they will NEVER be able to use their legs again and will lay there forever.
10. Dinosaurs, Zombies, Psycho Killers and Vampires spend hours upon hours strategically placing easily-breakable twigs on the ground to help catch their prey.
11. If I write my name in a big enough font I will be immortal. All the bullets in the world couldn't hit me.
13. If you put Tim Curry in a movie it will ALWAYS become a cult classic.Now I'm not sure which of these thirteen I should attempt to disprove first. I'm well past my first kiss and high school and don't own a dog so #2, #3, and #6 are un-disprovable. No matter how hard I try I can't get a group of unathletic 10-year-olds to join my sports team without getting arrested (jail isn't as bad as they make it out to be on HBO) and even if I found a group of willing kiddies I've yet to find a sport that I'm truly and utterly horrible at. In order for us to get first place, movies taught me that we must start out COMPLETELY untalented. Maybe I should just find a sport I've never tried...
"Your Korfball team sucks!"I don't have enough money for #4 or #7 and due to the lack of zombies, vampires, and psycho-killers (or at least willing to ADMIT that as a hobby) most of the others are ruled out for some good old fashioned disprovin'.
"Oh, yeah well YOUR Korfball team doesn't even seem to know that Korfball is played on a field 60 metres long and 30 metres wide. Or that the field is divided into two separate sections. OR EVEN that each section has a pole, 3.5 metres high, with a bucket attached to it which is called the 'korf'! BOOOO-YAH!"
In a weird way I've actually accidentally PROVEN #1. You see, I'm still alive and my skivies just might be the ugliest in the world. Today is about 7 days after I started to have to handwash. Many people like to joke about how dryers eat socks and many other people like to groan when someone makes a joke about how dryers eat socks but NOT SO MANY people have realized the new fad in dryer diets. The dryers in my little Brooklyn hood no longer eat socks. They are now on a diet all solids. I'm currently wearing a Monster-Preventing underthing that is missing an underwire. My left boob is defying gravity. My right...not so much. Monsters won't be bugging me or my astronaut mammary anytime soon.
Perhaps TV and movies are warping my brain. Perhaps I need to find a new teacher, someone that won't feed me with misconceptions. Hmmm I wonder if the internet is accepting student applications...
PREVIOUS LLA!............................................................NEXT LLA!
COMMENT ON THIS LLA!