Let's Learn About!: Let's Learn About Preservation!<br>PART II, The Business Squirrel Machine

5.05.2006  

Let's Learn About Preservation!
PART II, The Business Squirrel Machine


In my last LLA! I made a promise to save the world. It took well over a month, four pairs of chopsticks, industrial strength packing tape, a camera, three rubber bands, a mysterious man in a beret repeating "Peanuts, peanuts!" over and over again, a necktie, and the most important thing of all...

lots and lots of
SQUIRRELS.

As you know from before, after discovering that the internet did not have a single picture of a squirrel wearing a necktie, I set out to fix that horrendous fact. I couldn't bear to think of how many people had died in exhaustion searching google over and over again, not sleeping, eating, feeding their creepy mini-dogs in the hopes of finding at least one picture of a squirrel with a photoshopped necktie, pictures that didn't seem to exist yet.

With the help of my good friends on the Playground Ghosts Forum and Livejournal I sent out a plea and collected a mass of "squirrels in photoshopped neckties" pictures. I knew in my heart that we had done it, no longer could someone google "businessman squirrel" and not have SOMETHING of use pop up. But, I wondered if simply having photoshopped squirrels was really truly enough.

With the help of Fluff Cast Member Marianne, I set out to capture a REAL business squirrel, one that would be willing to wear a necktie for a photograph, knowing they would 1. become extremely internet-famous and 2. would have a better chance of nailing that interview at Target (I'm convinced no squirrels work there because they never look professional enough in the interview.)

How to make a squirrel wear a necktie:

So it seems you can't just walk up to a squirrel and ask it to wear a necktie, or at least it didn't' seem to work for me when I first tried it. A few days later, I realized I would need to invent a Business Squirrel Machine, one capable of turning any normal squirrel into a business professional.

Now, everyone knows that squirrels love sushi rolls and Japanese cuisine in general, so the first step of making a Business Squirrel Machine is getting yourself some pre-used chopsticks, at least four sets. Suck any rice reside off, since the flash might reflect off of it and your squirrel captures be ruined. You will want to make sure that they are still a little soy-y.



Tape the chopsticks together:



Tape one single chopstick, which you have broken with your sheer manly-lady strength, and tape it perpendicular to the others. This will allow you to hold open your necktie Business Squirrel Machine and also will fend off vampire squirrels.



We walked around the city for a good hour, trying to figure out the best place to capture a professional squirrel and finally settled on Washington Square Park, where the squirrels are abundant and the crazy people in big enough numbers to shield us from standing out.

The Business Squirrel Machine was ready for the attack...




At first they were too quick for us and our machine and me yelling "YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO GET A JOB IF YOU DON'T WEAR THE TIE!"



One of the above mentioned crazies, followed us demanding we buy 99 cent peanuts because "You'll never get a squirrel to wear a necktie unless you buy 99 cent peanuts." He followed us around merely saying "Peanuts" under his breath (a story retold in Show #30 of Fluff Radio)

After photo after photo of blurry small dots that resembled squirrels Marianne and I gave in and finally bought the peanuts...



It didn't take long before we met some squirrels who were more interested in working in an office and wanted to know of the benefits of a 401k. Here is the squirrel that finally saved the internet. I like to call him Moses. The final capture (click for large version):



Other squirrels were terrified upset their friend sold out to the corporate world:


Because of peer pressure, Moses' new Professional-Look didn't last long and he soon scurried back towards his Dead Kennedy-loving punk-roots.


A surprising thing about the Business Squirrel Machine was that it seemed to work on other things as well. For instance, who wouldn't hire this classy liqueur bottle to rehang up the clothes at in their T.J. Maxx:




Or this pair of pants to answer the phones at their non-profit:


I even have the urge to start a business just so I can hire, Marianne, my squirrel hunting assistant, who looks very professional in this shot. (It only took me four peanuts to get her to pose.)



Anya (a non-squirrel) was kind enough to take the picture of me with the Business Squirrel Machine since it was rather hard to get a picture of the machine with the machine. Anya is also a very snappy dresser:



Now onward to fix this google thing. First I will write the words "squirrel wearing a necktie" in all sorts of variations, then I will post all of the photos that were created of squirrels wearing neckties, therefore bringing google searches to this page whenever anyone is in dire need of a professional classy-dressed fluffy squirrel.

*clears throat*
Squirrels wearing neckties, squirrel in a necktie, squirel in a necktie, squirrel in a bowtie, squirrel in a tie, squirel in a tie, professional squirrel, businessman squirrel, badly spelled scwerl, scwerl in a necktie, scwerl in a bowtie, scwerl in a bollo, necktie squirrel, bowtie squirrel, squirrel you should hire for a job squirrel, badly tied necktie, how to capture a squirrel in a necktie, how to capture a necktie on a pair of pants, how to hire a classy bottle of liquer to work at a T.J. Maxx, squirrels with good career goals, squirrels with a good upbringing, squirrels with children to support, this squirrel went to college, this squirrel got a G.E.D. but works really hard and only dropped out due to circumstances beyond their control, neckties look nice with thier fuzzy tails, i would marry a squirrel wearing a necktie, but only if he had similar taste in cartoon shows, cartoon squirrels wearing neckties, cartoon squirel wearing a necktie, cartoon squirrel wearing a necktie, cartoon squirrel in a necktie, tied up squirrels, tie-wearing squirrels, squirrels, squirels, skweerls, scuerrales, neckties, neekties, neck ties, bowties, bow tie, bow ties, business attaire squirrel, bussinness attaire squirrel with hopes of moving up in the company, squirrel wearing a neck tie, neck tie squirrel, did I already write that one?, I can't remember, I am tired and hope google has found us already because I wants to stop typing things about squirrels in neckties

And I bring you our beautiful Collection of Squirrels in Neckties:


by Lauren from Depth of Field


by Scotsman


by Peter from Bardsworth


words added by Yanichka


anoter very very classy squirrel also by Yanichka


A jerboa with a tie...which is close enough to a squirrel, by puppymeat


A sexy businessman squirrel by Tone from Bandar Animation


by Clarles from Sordid City Blues


by Carla from The Land of Perpetual Wednesday


Also by Carla, since it's a proven fact squirrels (like the rest of us) hate scientology.


by Motodraconis from Space Girl


sugar glider by neelyum


And just to be safe that people find it...
Squirrels wearing neckties, squirrel in a necktie, squirel in a necktie, squirrel in a bowtie, squirrel in a tie, squirel in a tie, professional squirrel, businessman squirrel, badly spelled scwerl, scwerl in a necktie, scwerl in a bowtie, scwerl in a bollo, necktie squirrel, bowtie squirrel, squirrel you should hire for a job squirrel, badly tied necktie, how to capture a squirrel in a necktie, how to capture a necktie on a pair of pants, how to hire a classy bottle of liquer to work at a T.J. Maxx, squirrels with good career goals, squirrels with a good upbringing, squirrels with children to support, this squirrel went to college, this squirrel got a G.E.D. but works really hard and only dropped out due to circumstances beyond their control, neckties look nice with thier fuzzy tails, i would marry a squirrel wearing a necktie, but only if he had similar taste in cartoon shows, cartoon squirrels wearing neckties, cartoon squirel wearing a necktie, cartoon squirrel wearing a necktie, cartoon squirrel in a necktie, tied up squirrels, tie-wearing squirrels, squirrels, squirels, skweerls, scuerrales, neckties, neekties, neck ties, bowties, bow tie, bow ties, business attaire squirrel, bussinness attaire squirrel with hopes of moving up in the company, squirrel wearing a neck tie, neck tie squirrel, one day I will find a squirrel wearing a necktie and fall in love with that squirrel wearing a necktie and we will have extremeley well-dressed children

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