Okay, so, Colleen is sick and, in all probability, I’m the one who made her that way, so I will be the substitute teacher for the week. (Though--in the spirit of rigorous make-believe intellectualism that is LLA--the F train, which is our sole bridge into the wilds of Manhattanland, has been populated by all sorts of coughing, sniffling types for the last month and--to be honest--the majority of interaction between Colleen and myself happens via e-mail and phone, so really, the chances that I was the one to infect her seem pretty slim. But no matter, I vowed to teach class this week, and here I am, even though I’m still sick as well and still coughing up all the colors of the rainbow with an adam’s apple the size of an orangutan fist. This act of selflessness and sacrifice I perform today are not completely unlike Jesus. Boy, I hope Colleen appreciates it... Probably not.)

So, ligers. Did you know a liger is more than a fantastical doodle from the mind of Napoleon Dynamite? For real, go Google it--it’s totally a real thing--it’s a hybrid combination of a lion and a tiger. It only occurs in captivity when a boy lion comes along and inserts his “lenis” into a girl tiger’s “tagina” (get it? I’m so awesome) in order to create a confused little liger baby. I found it on a web site, so that means it’s true, and they even had pictures of it. So, there you go. Ligers. Hope you learned something!

Um, I think I’m also supposed to make a list or something (that’s usually what she does, right?).

Okay, so ligers...

1.) ... are half-lion, half-tiger, all man (except when they have vaginas).


2.) ... would totally kick a retarded kid’s ass in a fight.


3.) ... will die like every living creature, who except for our cursed species who wonder the earth with the horrilbe knowledge of our ultimate fate.


4.) ... would probably have sex with you, seeing that they seem to come from such slutty stock.


5.) ... are not monkeys no matter how much energy you put into trying to convince them otherwise.


6.) ... poop out Leprechauns.


7.) ... don’t interest that girl I tried to talk to at Dunkin Doughnuts yesterday--not even a little bit. She really just wanted to eat her donut and be left alone. No liger-talk for her. No siree.


8.) ... could probably fit a whole wart hog in their butt if properly motivated and were able to sit down really fast.


9.) ... can’t dance for shit.


10.) ... are the mascot for at least three stupid high schools somewhere in the mid west. Wanna bet?