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In 1587, John White was chosen by Sir Walter Raleigh to establish an English colony in the New World, a colony off the Atlantic Coast, on what is now part of North Carolina. White seemed the obvious choice because of his fantastically pointy goatee and it also helped that when someone referred to him as the "evil White man who stole their land and killed their people" they would correct on more than one level.
That colony was called MIGHTY MIGHTY TEAM ROANOKE-GOOOOOOOOOOO ENGLISH! or just Roanoke for short.
With a goal in mind of building a community with the English's patented baby making system, sixty men made the journey along with twenty women, because everyone knows it takes at least three men to get a woman pregnant, and of course, once a man's spent he has to be thrown out and can never be used again.
The colony was going swimmingly. Things were made from trees. Children played with the toys of the times, such as the ever popular twig and enjoyed the timeless "stare at the sun until you vomit" game. Random nightly gun checks were made to assure that if someone decided to attack, such as their rival team Team Spain--Gooooooooooo Hombres, their guns were strong enough to kill them. A small peaceful native tribe named the Croatoans volunteered to help out with the target practice.
Winter came and the cold winds suddenly reminded White that he hadn't packed his thermal undies, so he set out on a boat back to England with the intention of returning with supplies.
What should have been a three month trip, somehow took three years. White had all sorts of lame excuses. Oooooh the war, politics, and Spanish Armada are keeping me here. Ooooh I got on a boat with some sailors who insisted on privateering in the name of the Queen, attacking Spanish, Scottish, and even a French ship as well, and I was wounded severely. Ooooh I have to catch the next few weeks of DAYS to see that Stefano is really dead. Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine...
Three years later, John White returned to his colony and found no trace of human life, all of the houses destroyed, the boats missing, and two mysterious carvings in the trees, one simply "CRO" and another reading "CROATOAN."
While the mystery was never solved there are many theories:
1. The "Lost at Sea" Theory- The colonists missed White's beautiful goatee and their own thermal undies and attempted to sail back to England but never found their way there.
2. The "Now Where Did I...uh" Theory- White simply forgot where he parked his colony.
3. The "No Survivors" Theory, Version 1- The Spanish Team found them, cried "Ah ha found you!" and won. Roanoake was so depressed that they lost that they burnt down their own houses and ran off into the woods crying like little wee babies, never to return.
4. The "No Survivors" Theory, Version 2- Now this one is really far fetched so get ready for a laugh! Some thought the Croatoans actually didn't like being shot and killed and fought back! Hahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! SNORT! HAHAHAAAAAAAHAHA! ...hee hee...heee....oh...ow...ow my sides!
And, of course, I can't leave out the most plausible of all the theories...
5. The "Mad Libs" Theory- Some evil (noun) ran in while (verb ending in ing) and (verb) all of the (noun) with a (noun) and it was all because the leader said that the other leader's ankles were (adj), (adj), (adj), and a bit (adj). (exclamation)!
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