Dear readers, have you ever been on the internet and come across something that looks like this?
Male 35, seeks Female, any age, for long walks in the park, marathon hand-holding sessions, and catfish noodling.
PS: No fat chicks, unless you can hang onto a giant slimy catfish if you get my drift.
PPS: No, I really AM talking about catfish. Or maybe:
Female 27, seeks older, established, successful, independently wealthy, not living in a Williamsburg art loft with nine other people eating Top Ramen for every meal Male for companionship, true love, and new shoes.
PS: Please have hair on your head, and not on your back.
PPS: Please don't be gay unless you're really, REALLY rich. If that's the case, then chances are you're one of the thirty or so people across the country that has gotten into the exciting world of INTERNET DATING!
Internet dating is a relatively new phenomenon going all the way back to June. Basically, it's for people who are sick and tired of the bar scene, and feel that this so called "internet" is a modern utopia where people can contact each other in an environment free of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and Jimmy Buffett music blaring on the jukebox.
There are others who contend that internet dating is just a fad, just like Dodo omelets or cellular phones, and nothing can beat the sincerity of hearing "What's your name, and did we have sex?" the next morning, and answering back, "Franklin, and sort of."
They see it as a place where onanistic loners can send flowery emails to other people, describing their hot good looks and worldly accomplishments, when in reality if they can make it to the bathroom without collapsing under their own weight it's a feat for the ages.
"But Franklin, have you gotten into the world of internet dating?"
Funny you should ask.
I put my own internet ad up last night, and since we're being open here, I'll share it with you fine, fine, Fluff folk.
Male, age unknown as my parents didn't own a calendar, seeks Female for legally binding partnership. Female must have an interest in all of the following activities. This is non-negotiable. She must like:
Long hot nights comparing the anatomy of Arthropods and Fatty Arbuckle, Helping me organize my collection of commemorative Boer War pen clips, Urban spelunking, Telling me what "spelunking" means, Telling me what "urban" means, Giving pop quizzes to people on the street about infomercials ("I'm sorry, the correct answer was pasta EXTRUDER."), Someone who will tell me that everything I do is right,
PS: Catfish noodlers a plus. As you may have guessed, my social calendar is completely filled for the next six months. Who could turn down an ad like that? I mean, the ladies have been coming out of the woodwork for a piece of ol' "Frankie C."
Well, I'd write more but I have to be off now. I happen to have a hot HOT date with a girl from the internet. Not only is she an international supermodel, but she's also a brain surgeon, Pulitzer Prize winning Limerick poet, and architect of the Chrysler Building.
I can't wait!
About today's substitute teacher:
In all seriousness, Franklin Corregidor (FranklinCorregidor@hotmail.com) is on the hunt for a special lady of his own, and is willing to resort to the internet to find her. He's a catch for any female Fluff fan: straight, gay, single or otherwise. As long as you can put up with his devastating good looks, undeniable charm, quick wit, heart-melting smile, and catfish noodling fetish, you just may have a chance of making a lonely writer very very happy.
PS: No fat chicks, unless you're really into "fruit salads" if you get my drift.
PPS: I really AM talking about fruit salad. Man, I live for that stuff. Do you know where you can get tangelos in this city?
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