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5.30.2005  

Let's Learn about Yoga!


by Christine Hamm, the Escape Artist

Yoga has an excellent reputation, despite the fact of its long relationship with Madonna and many other Skeevy celebrities such as Val Kilmer and Storm Fields. Yoga, it is said, is relaxing and healthy, with a good dose of generic Zen-ish spirituality thrown in. Plus, Yoga is supposed to give you a good ass.

Today, I decided to test the popular beliefs about yoga and try it for myself.

And good thing I did! First thing I learned, boys and girls, is don't try yoga at home, or by yourself. If you do, you risk missing the experience of falling down and being humiliated because you can't touch your toes (or even your knees) in front of a room full of hyper limber, flexible and peaceful people. Plus, you would miss what it feels like when you realize that everyone knows you really can't tell your right from your left because you are constantly raising the wrong foot and turning the wrong way.

Finally, if you don't attend yoga class, you miss the priceless experience of having the lovely, insanely muscular teacher come and so tenderly (with only a smidgen of condescension) try to "adjust" your position until you have to squeak, No, really, my body doesn't do that. NO IT DOESN'T. I CAN'T. REALLY.

This yoga experience also underlined the importance of honesty, boys and girls. If the assistant asks you if you have any yoga experience, do not lie and say "shure!" because you think she will laugh at you. That's how you avoid being "accidentally" put in the advanced class. Or the advanced "beginner" class -- do yogis even know
what beginner means?

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Today's LLA circus performer, Christine Hamm, is really tired. And her back hurts. She's so old she smells of lavender-scented talcum powder and keeps tissues balled up the sleeves of her flowered dresses in case somebody needs to blow his nose. Christine wants you to go HERE now! and buy a book or she'll cry and take out her bad mood on some random stranger on the N train.


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