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Let's Learn About Freelancer Lonliness Syndrome!
by Chris Moreno, the Cat Whisperer
Working as a freelancer can be the greatest job in the world. You don't have to punch a clock every day, you can work in your underwear, and you're pretty much your own boss. On the other hand, that means you're responsible for juggling deadlines, the lack of set hours can keep you working all day long, and you're completely alone. You won't see your friends for days, weeks, even months at a time. Dating presents another challenge. Even people you share your house with are nothing more than ghosts when you're buried in your work. Is it any wonder, then, that the other freelancers you meet are such total assholes?
Today, we're gonna learn about Freelancer Lonliness Syndrome (FLS for those in the know!), and its devastating effects. I'd then tell you what you can do to combat it, but believe me, people, if I knew I'd be much better right now!
PART 1: Do I have FLS?
If you're asking that question, most likely yes. Sorry, you might not-- one of the symptoms of FLS is acute paranoia. You spend so much time in your own head that you begin imagining scenarios involving family, friends, and even romantic entanglements. Are they true? Who knows? You're inside your own head now, baby! Is your girlfriend cheating on you? Probably! Are your friends having drug-fueled orgies than you while you toil away at the drawing table? Actually, they're probably just sitting on the couch eating potato chips, but in your head, they're rockin' out with Metallica back stage-- and that's mid-80's-drugged-out Metallica, not present-day-chicken-shit-sober Metallica!
But I digress, which is yet another symptom of FLS-- a severe shortening of attention span. This is due to working on projects that require so much of your attention, that your brain is practically screaming for a distraction. The other day I hit my own hand with a paperweight just to have a diversion from my work. Who does that? Well, I did. This knee-jerk reaction by your brain can wreak havoc on your deadlines, especially if the diversions take up more time than the time you're spending on your work. But if I knew how to combat these distractions, I wouldn't be writing this right now, so what are YOU complaining about, hmm? you fuckin' ingrate.
In addition to seeking out distractions like some kind of distraction crackhead, the FLS sufferer will develop a similar addiction to social interaction. You'll find yourself jumping at the chance to run the most mundane errands just to be around people. God forbid someone invites you to a party-- you'll be the first one to arrive, and, to your hosts' dismay, the last to leave. I once stayed at a party days after it ended. My hosts finally had to kick me out after I complained they were out of milk. How was I supposed to eat my cereal without milk? The bastards. Anyway, water under the bridge.
Now where was I? Oh yeah, social interactions! No matter how long the social situations are, they'll never be enough. You'll come home from partying all night, and five minutes later you'll be overcome with the most powerful feeling of total solitude you've ever experienced! You'll be awash in lonliness. It's the emptiest feeling one can ever experience. And it lingers! It stains you, so that whenever you're out with friends, or on a date, all you keep thinking about is the fact that your time with them will end. You become desperate! Like, junkie desperate! I grabbed a complete stranger the other day and told him I'd suck his dick if he'd just go bowling with me! I bowled a 102 that night, by the way.
PART 2: What do I do?!
Buddy, if I knew, I'd tell you! Doing conventions helps, but when they're over you're back on a one-way ticket to LonelyVille. I joined an improv troupe, which is a great way to stem the tide of the depression because not only do you have the companionship of your stage partners, you also get the admiration of complete strangers! Bonus! But again, once you get home, nosedive!
So there you go, it's a downward spiral. Yep, nothing you can do. But hey, look on the bright side, you're still your own boss! And you're getting published! And, eh forget it. So, this is the end of the essay, huh? Listen, if you wanna hang out a little, talk more about this-- or not. I mean, we can talk about other things... Oh, ok. No, no, it's cool. I... I understand. Catch you later...
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Today's featured LLA! Circus of the STARS peformer, THE Chris Moreno, is an illustrator and improv performer, whose artwork can currently be seen in this May's Dracula Vs. King Arthur from Silent Devil Prod., this July's Monkey in a Wagon Vs. Lemur on a Big Wheel from Alias Enterprises, and on his website. He performs all over Philadelphia with his improv comedy troupe The Ninjas. He's an avid fan of bad movies, funny hats, and, from eyewitness reports, doesn't take any guff. So please, save yourself some postage and don't send him any guff. It'll just get marked "return to sender".
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