|
The Channing: La! La! LAAAA! Well Hellooooo...AAHHHH! Dill don't sneak up on me like that!
The Dill: Ha!
The Channing: Is it 7 p.m. already?
The Dill: Well, I just put Fang in his footy pajamas and turned on his favorite Nazi programming on this History Channel...so I'd say yes. It's 7 p.m. HA!
The Channing: Alright, let me just finish this cigarrette and put on my sequin hat so we can get this battle started.
The Dill: I was thinking arm-wrestling tonight.
The Channing: How about shoots-and-ladders?
The Dill: How about shoots you with a gun?
The Channing: Rummy?
The Dill: Nun-chucks.
The Channing: Easter egg hunt?
The Dill: Electric cattle prods.
The Channing: You know we've been fighting every night at 7 p.m. for years and we're just not going to agree on a new method of determining a winner.
The Dill: How about we get Fang to take off his clothes. First one who vomits looses. HA!
The Channing: 1958.
The Dill: Crap. We did?
The Channing: Yup summer of 58. You threw up first.
The Dill: Dammit. What about nun-chucks?
The Channing: 1972, President's day weekend.
The Dill: Crap. What about...
The Channing: Cattle prods? 1992, while watching that episode of 90210 where the nerdy boring kid shoots himself.
The Dill: Oh that episode SUCKED. I mean they hyped it for weeks. I remember thinking "if a pompadour doesn't die I'm never watching this show again!". And I wouldn't have it it hadn't been for that stupid nurse in the hospital burn unit always leaving it on.
The Channing: I think we have to do something new tonight.
The Dill: I think that may be impossible. I mean we've got about as many possibilites left as Fang has erections. HA!
The Channing: How about we don't try to kill each other tonight?
The Dill: HA!
The Channing: No I'm serious.
The Dill: You sure don't look it with that dead bird you've got on holding your breasts high up by your waist.
The Channing: At least my breasts are still MY breasts.
The Dill: That's because no one will touch them. HA!
The Channing: Well while I'm winning Tony's you're getting mistaken for one!
The Dill: What a statue?
The Channing: Nooo...I man!
The Dill: What man?
The Channing: Where?
The Dill: Huh?
The Channing: Did you say something?
The Dill: Forget it. Listen this isn't working. What was the idea you're keeping warm under that wig?
The Channing: I think we shouldn't fight, but instead, for tonight only, reinact our favorite movie scenes.
The Dill: Hmmmm...you know Chann, I could be up for that. I mean I just got these dentures and it would be a shame to break them again just yet.
The Channing: Will you do it?
The Dill: Alright. I'm in.
The Channing: Okay Great!
(There is a long period of silence.)
The Channing: You can start whenever you want to.
The Dill: I thought you were going to start. It was your idea.
The Channing: I insist.
The Dill: Okay...Back to the Future II
The Channing: Noooo. You have to pick a CLASSIC like Citizen Kane!
The Dill: Whatever. You're closer to death, we'll do yours.
The Channing: (clears throat) Oh my sled! My beautiful sled! I want to buy roses for my broken sled! You sir you're not in color! Why don't you stop pointing your finger at me and saying things out loud!
(BEAT)
The Dill: You've never seen Citizen Kane have you?
The Channing: I'm an actress. It doesn't MATTER if I've seen it or not. Citizen Kane can live through me.
The Dill: Okay (beat, devilish grin) in that case I get to be the zookeeper.
The Channing: What there was a zookeeper in Citizen Kane.
The Dill: Yeah totally. I mean he's only the most important character....well I mean other than the monkey.
The Channing: The monkey?
The Dill: It was the monkey's sled. I mean he took the oscars by STORM that year. Won like 17. Surely you've heard of Jerry O'Connell.
The Channing: Well of COURSE I have darlin. I'm an educated legendary actress. I know of all the great primates! I shall portray Jerry O'Connell in Citizen Kane with such heart and vervor that you'd think it was the great monkey truly in front of you!
(The Channing puts her head down and shakes out her body. Her hip goes out. She casually curses daintilly and shoves it back in place. She readjusts her dentures. Clears her throat...humms a few bars and then proceeds to SCREAM and HOWL LIKE A MONKEY jumping all over...though still like a broken old woman and finally climbing a tree)
The Dill: (holding back her laughter) Get down from there Mr. Kane! I've got a banana for you.
The Channing: I am not a simple monkey that can be swayed with such yellowness of fruit. I am a monkey of dignity. A monkey of renown. My thrown poo-poo shall be collected and sold at the auction house. You do not know of the worth of the monkey to with whom you are speaking at! ROSES! ROSES! Bring me my tobaggon!
(The Channing climbs down from the tree)
The Channing: Ah. That was wonderful. Well I was wonderful.
The Dill: Yup. You WERE something.
The Channing: You could use a little work Dill. All that snickering. I hardly think a reputable zookeeper would chortle so loudly in front of his mammal inmates!
The Dill: Oh I know all about mammals I mean I'm married to FANG. HA!
(BEAT)
The Channing: Okay, that one didn't even make sense.
The Dill: Hey they can't all be comedy gold.
The Channing: Uh, it's almost time for Murder She Wrote!
The Dill: Sweet Mother of God!
(They both adjust their hips and walk quickly though "ouching" with each step off two different directions.)
The Dill: Tomorrow?
The Channing: Tomorrow.
The Dill: (stops walking pauses) Iron Spiked Battle Flail?
The Channing: Thanksgiving, 1983.
The Dill: DAMMIT!
(They walk off stage.)
-Blackout-
PREVIOUS LLA!............................................................NEXT LLA!
|
