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It's a common misconception that movies should be judged by the worth of their storyline, the deepness of the plot, the successful execution of genre, intensity of its characters, and the camera angle and lighting scheme as the girl with terminal cancer starts to diiiiiiiiiieeee. God! No she was so young! Why her? Why God why??
I propose that's all just propaganda bullshit imposed on us by fat white-haired men with thumbs and rich directors with big ol' cavemen beards. I think there is a much better way to TRULY judge a movie's worth.
Now I'm not easily persuaded by popular culture, the norm, or electric cattle prod (whether metaphorically or literal. *zap* tee-hee, that tickles!) so I've devised a pure system, un-affected by reviewers, star systems, or your friends that won't shut up about how seeing "______" will change your life and that you'll never look at "______" or "______" the same way again, especially if you are a chronic "______". So without further side-tracking I bring you my theory:
I believe a movie's worth should be judged entirely by the very last line.
Okay, I hear some hesitation out there (I've got super-sonic ears you know. For instance right now a 73 year old woman is opening a cat food can in Omaha. How do I know she's 73 you might ask? I can hear her wrinkles rubbing together. You might also be asking what hesitation sounds like, and I can tell you it sounds somewhat like this *reeeaaawororowwwwhichichic*... and yeah I actually haven't slept in two weeks, why do you ask?) let me give you some examples...
The Actual Last Lines of Some Famous Flicks:
- Bring it On: Bitch!
- Dazed and Confused: Are you drunk?
- Back to the Future 3: Nope. Already been there!
- I Know What You Did Last Summer: Okay bye.
- Labyrinth: I say, does anyone want to play a game of Scrabble?
- Clue: I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife.
- Golden Child: Bam! Rock hits Ed McMan in the head!
- Airplane: The best investment in America.
- Blair Witch Project: MIKE! MIKE! IEEE! IEE! HHUH!
- Citizen Kane: Throw that junk in, too.
- Stand By Me: Jesus does anyone! (Okay, so I changed the punctuation a bit...a comma removed here, a exclamation point slapped on there and voila proof that our lord and savior was a slut.)
In my studies, I've also found that the two most common final lines to movies are "I think so, too." examples include every cheesy movie were characters fall in love and "oh, god, oh god, noooo!" examples include Godfather III and The Fly and a ton of movies with guns, guns, guns, and things blowing to smithereens.
Next time you watch a movie, pay attention to the last line. It's a much more amusing practice than one might think, but then this moustache glue is mighty smelly...
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