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So I heard this crazy story about this girl Bolleen that she didn't go to the dentist for something like 6 years. She had never had a cavity in her life and figured she was invincible. She made it a habit to imaginarily jump off of buildings for fun just to hear the splat of her torso and spectators yelling "Ohmigod-eh-oh! Ak! She must be on the crack! Or the Huff!" only to watch her stand up like Daffy Duck during his long-winded annoying "I'm the jerk in this cartoon" stage (right after that small gap when he was simply a crazy un-annoying Looney Tuner. That small little gap was similar in size to the amount of time the "Stephanie" was still cute...aw let's watch her race that cereal and cling on those curtains trying to climb across the line D.J. put on the floor. She'll never reach the door that way viewers. D.J. was always such a teased bang bitch.)
When, the completely unrelated to this narrator, Bolleen finally went to the dentist (after one of her teeth weirdly collapsed while chewing ketchup or air) she was told she had 17 cavities and needed to get two teeth removed and one canal o' roots on a third right near the front of her ten mile wide perpetual grin.
After getting a second opinion, which actually said she needed even more work, Col...uh...Bolleen learned a few things:
Small town dentists with 4 inch thick glasses who give you free 100-year old "why you've been a good girl" Muppet-themed bubblegum flavored toothpaste that crumbles and flakes out of the tube, may not be the greatest judges on what is a cavity and what is not
Floss is not just a word that rhymes with gross...because it actually doesn't rhyme with that at all, unless you have an insane MN accent and if that is the case, I'm not sure we can be friends. Yah.
When your first adult tooth simply falls out of your head while talking (aka what happened to Bolleen three years before the second tooth crumbled on the Heinz) you might want to see a dentist THEN rather than waiting THREE YEARS!
Blah. Blah. Blahdiddy. Weeks went by and Bolleen got to know that dentist office all too well. She could tell you every detail about Irene the receptionist's children and knew which patients of Dr. Eva had bad manners and un-makeout-able stinko breath. Once a week for half a year. She might as well have stuck her own novocaine needle in the waiting room just to save Eva the effort. Teeth removed, gauze eaten, grin still flaunted though nothing was crumbling, it came the time to finish up. Cap an ass. Cap N' crunch. Cap a tooth.
Dr. Eva sat Bolleen down and in creamed soup words said "We have to choose the tooth. I think you should get the gold one."
Bolleen: "What?"
Dr. Eva: "I know it's more expensive, but it'll last."
Bolleen: "I don't think I could walk around with a gold tooth."
Dr. Eva: "Everyone is getting them nowadays. Everyone."
Bolleen: "Everyone?"
Dr. Eva: "It's worth the money. Think it over. Call me."
Bolleen laughed as she left. A gold tooth? There was no way! She wasn't an idiot. At least not that day, but two days later Bolleen called Dr. Eva. It was going to last longer? It wasn't quite the front tooth. I'd probably look cool. I'd be the only one I knew with a gold tooth. All ol' style rapper. All "hey look at my teeth. I'm an Artist with a capital A, bitches!". All "Dr. Eva told me to do it and I'm a sucker for peer pressure-foo'." She began to tell everyone she knew that she was going to have a Muppet Band style gold shiner stuck up in her famous laugh gap grin. She was 23, a receptionist in Children's Publishing, a slave to 9-5, and pretending to be something she wasn't in dress shoes and silver earrings...and she was getting a gold tooth. A symbol of her resistance or unresistance she never got to know...
...for two weeks later, when it came time to unveil the golden canine, Bolleen's beautiful gold tooth came stuck wrapped up in a white porcelain shell.
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