Let's Learn About!: Let's Learn About Careers in 9th Grade Earth Science!<br>It's Only ONE Bomb

1.06.2005  

Let's Learn About Careers in 9th Grade Earth Science!
It's Only ONE Bomb


INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM- DAY


DARIN, a teacher, is setting up his classroom for the first day of school. MR. FITZPATRICK knocks on the door and lets himself in.


MR. FITZPATRICK
So, how’s it going? Are you all ready for your first day?


DARIN
Yes. Yes, Principal Fitzpatrick. I think I’m pretty much set.
    
MR. FITZPATRICK
Please, we don’t have a need for that kind of formality here. Just call me Mr. Fitzpatrick. So Darin, I trust you’ve finished reading your new teacher handbook. 


DARIN
(obviously lying)
Oh, yeah. Completely.


MR. FITZPATRICK
Goooood. Then you shouldn’t have any trouble. Before you leave today I’ll just need you to make out some homeroom attendance charts, fill out this insurance form, and dismantle the bomb in the back of your classroom.



DARIN
(laughs, sarcastic)
Oh, okay Mr. Fitzpatrick. I’ll dismantle the bomb, but only if it doesn’t take me too long to figure out how to alphabetize my student’s names. 


MR. FITZPATRICK
(in earnestness)
Those attendance sheets can be mighty tricky. I’ll see you tomorrow. Here’s my number in case you have any problems.


MR. FITZPATRICK hands DARIN his card and then leaves the room. DARIN laughs to himself, starts to straighten up the desks and stops. There is a small black box on the floor, ticking slightly with wires sticking out all over. DARIN finally realizes he is staring at a BOMB and lets out a huge scream. Runs around and finally grabs his phone takes out the card and calls MR. FITZPATRICK.


DARIN
Mr. Fitzpatrick?


Cut screen with MR. FITZPATRICK driving a convertible down a highway.


MR. FITZPATRICK
Darin, my boy how the hell have you been?


DARIN
Is this some kind of joke? Why the hell is there a bomb in my classroom?


MR. FITZPATRICK stops his car. Stands on the hood and rescues a kitten from a tree.


MR. FITZPATRICK
I told you there was a bomb. If you read your handbook you’d know this was all part of the training.

DARIN
Oh, good. For a second, I thought it was real.


MR. FITZPATRICK
Of course it’s REAL. How do I expect you to learn if it isn’t REAL? These are tough times to be in the education business. We have to be ready for everything.


DARIN
But couldn’t somebody get hurt?


MR. FITZPATRICK
God, Darin. It’s only one bomb. If you had read your handbook you’d know dismantling bombs is an important part of being a teacher. You wait till your first parent-teacher conference. Bombs are much easier.


DARIN
You’ve got to come back!


MR. FITZPATRICK
I’m afraid I’m an hour’s drive away, running some errands in Delaware.


DARIN
(beat)
I just saw you 30 seconds ago!


MR. FITZPATRICK
Listen it’s really easy.


DARIN
How easy is it?


MR. FITZPATRICK stops his car and helps a woman give birth.


MR. FITZPATRICK
A trained dog in a skirt riding a little bike could do it… blindfolded.


DARIN
Okay, so what first?


MR. FITZPATRICK cuts the umbilical cord with his teeth. The woman hangs on him like a groupie, they get back into the car together.


MR. FITZPATRICK
Grab some scissors from your desk. Now you should see some wires.


DARIN
I see 10 white wires, one pink one.


MR. FITZPATRICK
Okay. All you have to do is cut the eggshell wire.


DARIN
(puzzled)
You mean the pink one right?


MR. FITZPATRICK
No I don’t mean the fucking pink one! What the hell kind of eggs do you eat! The eggshell one! Eggshell!


DARIN
You mean one of the 10 identical white wires???


MR. FITZPATRICK
No, I mean the eggshell one. It’s got more ochre in it than the cream or the pearl. And it’s not even close to the marshmallow or the vanilla.


Sounds of sirens. MR. FITZPATRICK stops his car walks into building, comes out in two seconds with 18 white wires in his hands. A bomb squad follows him out, patting him on the back and each holding a dismantled bomb. The female bomb squad girls get into the car with him.


DARIN
I can’t tell the difference! I can’t do this!


MR. FITZPATRICK
It’s just ONE bomb. Alright I guess we’ll have to go to plan B.


DARIN
Oh, thank god. Good.


MR. FITZPATRICK
Now Darin, I want you to swallow the bomb. Swallow the bomb then run out of the building. When your belly starts to rumble from all of the toxic agents, just bend over near the soccer fields and let out a nuclear toot the size of Kansas.


All the girls in the car are laughing.


DARIN
What?!


MR. FITZPATRICK
It was a joke. If I had known you were one of those types that couldn’t take a joke I would have never hired you.


DARIN
I can take a joke! Just not now!


MR. FITZPATRICK
Hey Darin. Knock, knock.


DARIN
What?!


MR. FITZPATRICK
Just as I thought. Can’t even get a fucking knock-knock joke right.


DARIN
WHO’S THERE!


MR. FITZPATRICK
It’s me, Mr. Fitzpatrick. 


GIRL ONE
Oh my god it’s a boat of nuns that’s on fire in the middle of the shark filled harbor!


MR. FITZPATRICK gets out of the car. The girls are just gasping. He comes back completely dry holding a nun over each one of his shoulders. 


MR. FITZPATRICK
(to the girls)
Walking on water’s just a little trick I learned back at Cornell. Darin, you still there? Listen, why don’t you just cut the salmon wire.


DARIN
Salmon? Salmon. Wait, salmon is pink! I got it!


DARIN cuts the pink wire. The bomb EXPLODES.


MR. FITZPATRICK
He would have never been able to handle parent-teacher night. Any of you ladies ever teach 9th grade Earth Science?


-BLACKOUT.




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