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Okay class, settle down. Jimmy get your finger out of your nose. Karen please don't lean back on your chair like that. Susan for the last time stop writing "I heart Jesus" all over your desk. I'm sick of getting it cleaned and it's not going to get you back into Catholic School after the stunt you pulled with Custodian Larry.
Now today’s lesson is going to be how to build an atom bomb.
So I know what you are thinking: "Ms. Venable, I've never built an atom bomb before. What if I mess up and destroy the entire state of Delaware?" Good news, I've never built an atom bomb either, so we're basically in the same boat...well not really, since I did once make a volcano that erupted oatmeal, so I'm already about seven steps ahead I figure, but you're only in 6th grade so your utter stupidity on the subject is excusable.
Now doesn't that make you feel better? And also it should make you feel better that Delaware is only ranked #46 out of the 50 states for population. You'd only be melting 817,491 people, now that's not too bad. I'm sure you can think of 817,491 people you really don't like all that much. Lord knows I can.
Jimmy get those erasers out of your mouth! (Note to self 817,492.)
Since I'm fairly new at teaching this, I went to the public library and tried to look up some books on building atom bombs, but I couldn't find a simple list of ingredients geared for the 11-12 year old student. All I wound up with were lameass...Karen it's not polite to interrupt. No Karen "lameass" is not a swear word, it's just another way of saying a "Donkey that's had it's legs cut off"...What was I saying, oh yes, those books were all filled with lamedonkey...is that better Karen?...stories of the death and destruction of cultures and people. Women, children burning to death that sort of yawn-inducing crap that they love to pass off as "informational".
No Karen, crap is not a "cuss" either, it's just another way of saying "poop" or "feces" or "shit" or "fucking lot of shit". And Karen, in the future, please don't use the word "cuss" in this classroom.
So since I've got no book to go by, I figured I'd just break down the bomb into it's elements and put in my own ingredients. I mean it can't be that fucking hard, they were building those things back in 1945 before they even figured out how to get the Wonderful World of tinkerbell's ass on a color TV.
Karen put your hand down before I KICK THE BACK LEGS OUT FROM YOUR CHAIR MYSELF!
Alright, let's go about this the logical way. In order to create an big explosion, we will have to combine ingrediants that don't mix well together.
Can anyone think of ingredients that don't go well together?
Very good example Dave, "cottage cheese" and "oreos". Charley, how about you? Okay, "your dad" and "whiskey" is going to be a little hard to fit into this mixing bowl, but you've got the right idea. Corena? "Toothpaste" and "velcro" is great! Jimmy, any ideas? What's that Jimmy? What's stuck? We can't really hear you between all that gasping? Ohhh, "Cans" and "Breath"...Jimmy, please pay more attention to the assignment next time. You can easily blow into an aluminum can without any bad effects. You really need to learn to focus.
Jimmy stop with the antics. I know you are just turning blue for attention. Susan, God still hears the rosary if you say it in your head & stop winking at Custodian Luis!
Oh there's the bell. I guess we'll just have to start up again where we left off tomorrow. Dave you bring in cottage cheese. Corena you bring some toothpaste. Charley you bring in whiskey, just three or four bottles will do. And your dad...just in case.
See you all tomorrow.
Jimmy, enough if enough. Get up or you'll be late for woodshop.
Alright, wise-guy, suit yourself. I'm turning off the lights.
*CLICK*
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