They were originally manufactured in 1977, the year of your birth.
They are gold and maroon, your official high school colors.
If they were cleaned they would be green and white, your official college colors.
They have fancy duel velcro straps, your official grad school non-button alternative.

They were worn by a man named Richard, a man named Austin, and a man named Martin.
Richard was a dick.
Austin weighed 350 lbs. and had a severe bladder problem.
Martin scored a 290 in them
on the Ms. PacMan machine.
290 means he only ate 10 pellets in all of his three lives.
Mr. and Ms. Pac never got to "Meet" that game.
Martin bowled a 14 that day
while using the bumpers.

Your shoes aren't suede like you think they are.
Please stop rubbing them.
Trust me, that fuzziness is NOT suede.

Your shoes were won by a man named Casey, a man named Eduardo, and a man named GRAND EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE.
Casey wore an athletic cup when bowling,
Eduardo wore a helmet while bowling,
and GRAND EMPEROR OF THE UNIVERSE wore an athletic cup on his head for a helmet, two helmets on his feet for shoes, and your left shoe down his pants as a cup.

Your shoes were worn by a man named Steve, a man named Lou, and a woman named Big Bertha.
Big Bertha, a former NES model, thinks you're cute,
Steve had a boring life to match his boring name,
and Lou had a highly contagious toe disease you will fall dead from in approximately...five...four...three... HEY, wait for it!

Don't you even want to know what your final bowling score will be?