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Welcome to the first EVER Audio LLA!
LISTEN TO ME!
Colleen Leaves a Phone Message MP3
READ TO ME!...or read this to understand what I was mumbling in that phone message above:
"How to leave a coherent, non-un-understood phone message, similar to the one I am leaving now.
First things first. Acquire a phone or any kind of talking device. Make sure that you find it, um, at a store, orrrr you could find it in a walmart, which is a store, contrary to popular belief, or you could find it in the cushions of my couch along with probably about $15 in pennies.
Second things first after the first things first:
You should, you know, make sure that you were actually talking to a machine, and, well, that a person hadn't picked up, cause that's always really awkward when you're like it's Colleen, and you just talk for like 3 minutes long and the person on the other end is like "first of all, your name's not Colleen, and second of all, I'm, you know, I'm your Gramma."
Uh... THEN, you should avoid the use of homonyms, um, a sentence example would be "This is the best book I read." Like first of all, people would be like "WOW she knows how to read that's aMAzing," um, orr it could go the other way and people could be like "Oh my god, she's a commie bastard. Colleen is a RED!" And then they'll be like "or maybe she isn't a communist, but maybe she has really bad sunburn, and, because she likes to use that oil stuff instead of sunblock. And she um, and she um, and she um, ... likes cancer.
You should always avoid the use of the word homonym. Um, first of all it sounds funny, and people tend to do Austin Powers, when they do it, when the SAY it. And also, its a taaaad, :whispers: it's a tad gay.
Um. And I mean happy. It's a happy HOMOnym. It's a HAPPY word.
ALSO, you should avoid the use of the word avoid, 'cause it sounds like avoid.
A sentence example would be "she looks like her brain has fallen out of her head. Maybe for being in Dallas for too long, leaving a void big enough to string a clothesline with 27 pairs of underwear, and I'm not talking about normal underwear, I'm talking about big-old grandy-panties."
Um.. Also, when you're leaving a phone message, you should not say "umm, also" a lot, you should also keep it as short, um also, as you.. possible. Um, you should, uh, you know, for instance, this message could have just said "Colleen. Chex mix. Texas. Monday." and then I could hang up. Buuut, In reality, this is exactly (laughs) the way I leave phone messages in real life. It's really sad. Um, I'm in Texas, and my hotel smells like cleaning products, and I'm laying on the floor of my hotel with a fake bandage over my head 'cause i got bored, and there a giant billboard outside my window that's for a gunshow, and it's covered in, uh, yellow paint, and, I believe it's blood. Um, could be red paint. I like to think it's blood. I'lllll be back on Monday.....
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I think I'm done.
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I leave the best messages."
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