|
Now I'm not usually one to go celebrity crazy, partially because my version of make-my-innards-quiver-famous is never the same as everyone else's "famous," but also because I've never seen a point to the whole worshiping people that exist solely on TV or big screens, ones you can't physically lick across the nose, and boy do we all know how much I like to french nostrils.
On my recent trip to Chicago, I saw a celebrity, fell in love, and caught a disease, a horrible, horrible disease, one even worse than your worst nightmare, one even more disturbing than singing "Bananafone" over and over and over again in your head...(damn you badgers!)
After spotting a true American hero on the plane, one with a moustache that has become legend, my heart lept out of my chest and left a big goey hole...for the past three days I have been suffering through an awful case of
HULKAMANIA!
He was on my plane, wearing a black wrestling tee with the sleeves cut off and his signature bandanna, shades just light enough so you would know he was famous and just barely see his eyes for sure fire recognition. He was quietly screaming to be noticed. Hulk was in first class at 6am, waiting in line before me. Another 20-something, a good 15 feet from me, seemed to be the only one other than myself covered in Hulk-drool. Other 20 looked at me and mouthed "Oh My God." I then immitated HH ripping off his shirt. The people in the 14 feet between us, who had been paying me no mind two seconds prior, all seemed to pick that opportunity to turn my way, resulting in a lovely 6am flush of magenta across my cheeks.
I couldn't stop talking about it the rest of my trip. I thought it was simply a case of being star-struck, bumping into someone you had idolized as a child, but no...it was more than that. I had caught the Hulkamania, and I had caught it bad.
It started as a simple HH which appeared overnight on my right leg, about six inches up from my knee.
The next morning I saw the start of a trash talk forming on my left thigh.
It wasn't long before it spread into a series of motivational sayings.
My arms, which had been Hulk free my entire life, suddenly were overflowing with Hoganosity.
This afternoon in the middle of an excel spreadsheet I felt a Hulk growing on my leg.
The faces spread and got more detailed and more evil.
It wasn't long before a Hollywood Hogan appeared. Hulkamania has taken over my body (and I can't draw "g" upside down).
I've been checking out some sites online to find a cure before my entire body becomes disastrously covered in gobs of Hulk.
I've heard echinachea is good for Hulkamania, as well vicks vapor rub, steam baths, drinking Green Tea upside down while humming the national anthem, taking a shower and scrubbing at the skin vigorously, or just using a sharpie to cover the Hogans with black thick-lettered words to bible hymns.
Right now I'm just thankful the Hogans all stop exactly one inch above the length of the skirt I have to wear to work tomorrow. What luck! I'm not sure if I'm contagious, but just to be on the safe side I'm not letting any of you lick my nose for at least a good week.
Hulk-I love you. My only regret is that I never owned one of your fun-for-only-one-use patented tearaway tees.
PREVIOUS LLA!............................................................NEXT LLA!
|
