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(guest LLA! by Evan)
There are some sad, sad truths in this world of ours. Cold truths. Mean truths. But truths that must be spoken.
You are going to die one day.
Absolute right and absolute wrong do not exist.
The puppy you had growing up didn't really love you, it just had a pavlovian response to getting fed. And all those "kisses" on your hand when you let it droop over your chair? Just enjoying the salt on the back of your hand.
Good things can happen to bad people.
If a crazy person really wanted to hurt you or somebody you love, he could.
And, perhaps most troubling...
Colleen doesn't really like you...
...she prefers the company of the city of Dallas to spending time with you. She told me so. So, yes, the big AF is in the bigt D this week and has commanded that I take over LLA this week. And uh, so here's some skit I wrote a while back. I think it's still relavant.
Eat it, it's tasty.
The Most Important Person in the History of the Universe
by
Evan Dashevsky
INT. THE 2018 INTERNATIONAL GENIUS AWARDS - EVENING
We come in from a commercial break with an announcer welcoming us back to a crowded auditorium with the screen title: “The 2018 International Genius Awards.”
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Australian Prime Minister Russle Crow.
Loud APPLAUSE. STOCK FOOTAGE of people in black-tie dress smiling and clapping as an older, 300-pound, bald, disheveled RUSSLE CROW slowly walks onto the stage with a hand to his lower back.
RUSSLE
(in some distress)
My back. [stock laughter] Aye, fuck all of you, too. [a beat, then squinting to read cue cards] The Man who we are here to honor tonight needs little introduction. But here’s a short movie to eat some more time.
A FILM BEGINS on the screen behind Vin which CROSSFADES to:
EXT. [PART OF FILM] DR. SCHOLL’S CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS - DAY
The voice of A NARRATOR in the style of the old nasal ‘30s News Reels comes on over an outside shot of the DR. SCHOLL’S CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS in Poughkipsee, IL.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Our story begins in the year 2004. Only 10 years before America became constitutionally bound to serving the will of Allah—-peace be unto him. It was a year when the Dr. Scholl’s Footcare Corporation was in need for a knock-out advertising campaign for their brand new line of gel-based shoe insoles.
INT. [PART OF FILM] THE OFFICE OF HENRY SCHOLL, IV - DAY
HENRY SCHOLL, IV sits behind a desk in his corporatey-looking office. He is an older, graying Republican businessman type. He holds in his hand a blue gel foot insole.
HENRY SCHOLL
The gel? Yeah, there’s probably no medically-sound reason for insoles to be made of gel. To be honest, none of our products back then really did anything—-any relief anyone got was, you know, purely coincidental. But in order to keep the investors happy, we liked to roll out a new product line every so often. Now, in order to sell gel insoles, we knew we were going to need an ad campaign that was able to speak directly to the busy, foot-pain afflicted consumer who didn’t have time for “facts” or any kind of “persuasive argument” why they should buy our product. We didn’t have a lot of money for some fancy campaign, so that’s we decided to gamble with a less-experienced ad man. That’s when we called on Edwin Schloserstein.
CUT TO:
A BLACK AND WHITE PHOTOGRAPH of a smiling, nerdy, mid-20s Ad Executive named EDWIN SCHLOSERSTEIN.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
At the turn of the century, Madison avenue didn’t know that it was about to get hit by a tornado riding over an earthquake. A tornado whose name was Edwin Schloserstein, floating over an earthquake of innovation.
INT. [PART OF THE FILM] PRESENT - EDWIN SCHLOSERSTEIN - DAY
A Close-up of an older-looking, present day (2018) Edwin.
EDWIN
When the Dr. Scholl’s people first approached me about their new product I was busting my britches about my first chance to create a national ad campaign. But after toiling day and night, I came to the conclusion that there’s no possible way I could sell these things--I mean what the fuck are they? It’s a fucking sliver of silicone you stick in your shoe. They make your shoes all tight and you end up in worse pain then when you started. [a breath and a beat] But then [big smile] it hit me.
NARRATOR
(V.O. over a grinning Edwin)
And “it” was a revelation which would forever alter the course of marketing, and the world.
INT. [PART OF FILM] DR. SCHOLL’S GEL INSOLES COMMERCIAL - DAY
A very cheerful GUY comes on screen followed by his good friend GUY 2.
GUY (to number 2)
(super happy)
Hey.
Guy 2 gives a halfhearted nod.
GUY
Hey, are you gellin’?
GUY 2
(becoming very excited)
Yeah! Yeah, I am! I’m gellin’ like a felon. I didn’t know you were gellin’!
GUY
Man, I’m gellin’ like a melon stuffed with melanin. You seriously gellin?!?
GUY 2
You couldn’t believe how much I’m gellin’ like I’m sellin’ my aunt Hellen in the south during the period of anti-bellum!
GUY
Awesome, Dude!
The two guys smile and admire each other.
CUT BACK TO EDWIN.
EDWIN
(smug)
Happy people, rhyming various words together. That was the key. Now it wasn’t the rhyming that worked. And it wasn’t the happy characters enthusiastic about rhyming. [a beat] It was the combination of the two.
EXT. [PART OF FILM] A CROWDED PODIATRY STORE - DAY
A scene of bustling capitalism as dozens of customers flock into a local podiatry store waving money in their hands and running out hugging several packages of gel insoles.
We cut to footage from a local television news team is covering the action. The news man with mic in hand is interviewing a woman with two bags full of gel insoles.
WOMAN
I was just going for a walk when I passed by the store and I felt the need to come in. I don’t really know why I suddenly wanted to buy all of these--I mean, I guess my back was kind of hurting the other day. But I do just love those commercials--the one where they keep saying “gellin’” and then they rhyme it with other words. Where do they come up with this stuff? And the characters just look so happy--hangin’ around, saying different words together.
Narrator starts his narration over a series of economic graphs pointed up, Henry Scholl IV smiling on the cover of Money Magazine, and smiling photos of Edwin.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Within a week, Dr. Scholl’s Gel Insoles became the best-selling product in America, outselling Coke, Tylenol, and Levi’s combined. Dr. Scholl’s stock rocketed through the stratosphere bringing the rest of a flagging American economy along for the ride, and eventually allowing Henry Scholl IV to follow his lifelong dream of purchasing the nation of Uruguay which was renamed to it’s current title of Henry-Scholl-Has-A-Big-Dick-Land. As for Edwin Schloserstein, this would merely be the beginning...
INT. [PART OF FILM] BACK WITH MODERN-DAY (2018) EDWIN - DAY
EDWIN
With all the success of the Dr. Scholl’s ad, I was kind of nervous about going on the next project. But when my country came a knockin’, I went to the door and I said ‘Hello, country. I’m here for you.’
INT. [PART OF FILM] NAVY RECRUITMENT COMMERCIAL - DAY
GUY and GUY 2 from the Dr. Scholl’s ad are standing around.
GUY
Hey, dude. How’s it hangin’?
GUY 2
Not so great, dude. I’m confused. I just reached the age at which most people graduate from high school and I don’t know what to do with my life. Should I go to college?
GUY
No way! Why not come join the Navy with me and become a real man, instead of some college fag?
GUY 2
The Navy?
GUY
Yeah the Navy--it’s as sweet as gravy.
GUY 2
I don’t know about that. I heard that those waves are kind of wavy.
GUY
There is some truth to that. But being in the Navy--it’s as fun as being at a 24-hour 7-day-a-week Rave-y.
GUY 2
Awesome dude. [a beat] Wait.
GUY
What’s wrong? Do you think you look a little scruffy and want to go home for a quick shower and a shavey?
GUY 2
No, I was just thinking, maybe we should stop by my cousin’s house and stop him from going to college, too. He should join the Navy. His name is Davey.
GUY
Awesome, Dude!
The two guys smile and admire each other.
EXT. [PART OF FILM] OUTSIDE A NAVY RECRUITMENT OFFICE - DAY
A line of high-school-aged boys stretches out from a Navy recruitment office out into the street and around the corner.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Navy enrollment went up an astounding 4,000 percent. Edwin was once again the talk of Marketing town. Little did he know his biggest professional challenge would be right around the corner.
INT. [PART OF FILM] BACK TO EDWIN, 2018 - DAY
EDWIN
Now, when the Portuguese Tourism Ministry contacted me, I became a little nervous. I knew this campaign would have to be a little different. I was going to have to come up with something new. The old rules no longer applied. This, my friends, was virgin soil.
INT. [PART OF FILM] PORTUGUESE TOURISM COMMERCIAL - DAY
The Guys are on a sunny Portuguese beach. They both look around in awe of the beauty.
GUY
Hey, I can’t believe we made it to Portugal!
GUY 2
Yeah, it’s real fortugal.
GUY
Yeah. It’s so wort-you-gal.
A beat.
GUY 2
Mort-u-gal.
GUY
Totally. [a beat] Short-ju-gal.
SCREEN TITLE: “Visit Portugal Today” fades onto the screen.
EXT. [PART OF FILM] NEAR THE PORTUGUESE BORDER - DAY
A row of Portuguese soldiers holding automatic weapons stands at the ready.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Public response was overwhelming to Schloserstein’s blend of rhyming words together, happy people, and words on the screen. After a month of dealing with tourists refusing to leave the maritime paradise, Portugal was forced to close their borders and, for the first time since the Spanish civil war, call on the Portuguese armed guard to shoot dead any persons attempting to sneak over the Spanish border.
INT. [PART OF FILM] BACK TO EDWIN, 2018 - DAY
EDWIN
You know, 42 people died that year trying to enter into Portugal. Sometimes I think of their families. But more importantly, I discovered that you didn’t even need to rhyme real words. It was an amazing break through! You can’t believe how much time and energy it saved me from there on out.
He continues to smile and contemplate as he nods his head.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Here’s to you Edwin Schloserstein. You truly are a genius for the ages.
We fade back to:
INT. THE 2018 INTERNATIONAL GENIUS AWARDS - EVENING
RUSSLE
Let’s bring him out here, and show him how much we appreciate him, folks. Everybody, show your love for Edwin Schloserstein!
Canned Laughter as a tux-wearing Edwin runs out on stage to the podium.
EDWIN
Thank you, everyone..
Soon after he starts to speak, a sniper’s GUN BLAST is heard. Edwin holds onto a wound in his chest, falls to the ground, dies.
EDWIN
(cont’d, dying)
What rhymes with “Karma?”
end.
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